V  O  L  U  M  E    I 


PATTER 


BY 

B.  L.  GILBERT 
"TREBL1G" 


PUBLISHED  BY 


Gilbert^;    ELSMAN 

UTi        TAT  .    STREET 


CH 


ILLINO' 


Copyright  1916  by  B.  L.  Gilbert,  Chicago 


Stack 
Annex 

5017193 


**•**•••••••••••*••••*•••*•••**••••••*•"•**••••••••••*•••••••••••*•••••••*••••••••••*••*••*••*•«•••  •*••**•*••»••••*••*•  •*.•***»***•«•«•*.«*.'. 

i 


Preface 


Ti 


'HE  author  in  issuing  this  little  book 
has  but  one  object  in  view — to  give  his 
fellow  magical  workers  a  few  threads 
along  the  line  of  comedy  patter,  which  may 
be  woven  in  a  varied  manner  by  each  in- 
dividual performer  to  suit  his  particular  person- 
ality and  the  nature  of  the  work  he  or  she 
may  be  undertaking  in  the  public  field. 

A  performer  with  a  cheerful  line  of  talk 
will  always  appear  to  be  the  master  of  every 
situation  and  the  audience  will  appreciate  it. 
Plenty  of  talk  along  humorous  lines  not  only 
is  entertaining  to  the  average  audience,  but 
it  will  carry  you  over  many  critical  points  in 
magic  work,  for  its  use  in  misdrection  cannot 
be  overestimated.  Do  not  attempt  to  commit 
to  memory  the  patter  as  set  down  in  this  book 
and  recite  it  as  though  it  were  a  prepared 
speech,  but  create  the  idea  at  all  times  that 
you  are  using  impromptu  patter  that  has 
come  to  you  as  you  worked. 

By  all  means  use  as  much  local  matter  as 
possible  without  becoming  offensive. 

Genteel  reference  to  persons,  places,  etc. 
that  your  audience  is  familiar  with  always 
makes  a  hit. 


INTRODUCTION     PATTER 

Ladies  and  Gentlemen:  Before  beginning  my  part  of 
the  program  this  evening,  I  wish  on  behalf  of  myself  to  offer 
a  few  words  in  the  nature  of  an  explanation  and  apology  in  not 
being  able  to  present  to  you  my  original  act  of  magic  and 
sleight  of  hand.  Unfortunately,  at  the  last  moment,  the  stage 
manager  (or  committee  on  entertainment),  Mr.  So-and-So, 
made  me  promise  to  cut  all  magical  experiments  from  my  rep- 
ertoire. Their  (or  his)  method  of  gagging  me  was  as  unique 
as  well  as  brutal  and  in  justice  to  you  and  myself,  I  don't  mind 
giving  you  all  the  harrowing  details. 

As  is  customary,  I  ran  through  my  various  experiments 
with  the  line  of  talk  I  intended  to  use  in  explaining  my  various 
effects  and  when  to  my  surprise  and  mortification,  I  was  told 
that  I  would  under  no  circumstances  be  allowed  to  present  any 
act  of  a  magical  nature  to-night,  I  asked  for  an  explanation 
and  was  told  that  a  large  percentage  of  the  audience  this  even- 
ing would  be  composed  of  ladies  and  they  positively  would  not 
allow  any  profanity  during  the  program  or  entertainment.  I 
explained  that  I  used  no  profanity  during  my  act. 

The  Committee  admitted  such  to  be  true,  but  said  the 
audience  would  when  they  saw  my  attempt  to  do  magic.  So, 
with  your  consent,  I  accept  your  apology  and  will  endeavor  to 
entertain  you  to  the  best  of  my  ability  in  a  few  interesting 
experiments,  that  are  along  lines  of  a  scientific  nature,  also, 
will  attempt  to  present  a  few  effects  that  are  almost  magical. 
Before  I  go  any  further,  let  me  say  that  I  don't  claim  to  be  a 
magician.  I  never  told  any  one  I  was,  nor  has  any  one  accused 
me  of  being  such. 

CHINESE  RICE  BOWLS 

Properties:  Two  soup  bowls  with  edges  ground  flat, 
round  celluloid  disk  same  diameter  as  bowls,  bag  of  rice,  tray, 
magic  tea  canister,  an  ink  lozenge,  also  one  of  yellow  or  orange, 
both  stuck  on  side  of  empty  bowl  toward  you  with  conjuror's 
wax.  File  or  grind  a  spot  on  bowl  for  this  as  the  glaze  will  not 
hold  secure.  If  production  of  laundry  ticket  effect  is  used 
prepare  by  using  a  mixture  of  dry  plate  or  velox  developer  in 
bowl  in  place  of  water.  The  paper  produced  from  canister  is 
prepared  by  previously  printing  Chinese  characters  on  it  using 
Velox,  Cyco,  or  some  other  developing  out  photo  paper,  and 


for  a  negative  make  stencil  from  black  paper,  or  paint  out  in 
black  on  a  sheet  of  wax  paper,  forming  the  desired  figures. 
Print  very  strong  so  when  dipped  into  bowl  of  developer  the 
so-named  laundry  tickets  appear  like  a  flash.  Stick  around 
bowl  as  you  produce. 

Patter:  What  I  am  about  to  show  you  is  of  oriental  or- 
igin that  I  feel  quite  proud  of.  It  is  a  series  of  mysterious 
effects,  that  are  known  to  but  two  persons  in  this  entire  uni- 
verse, myself  and  a  heathen  Chinese  named  Oh  Gee  Wash,  a 
resident  of  China.  China,  you  know,  is  situated  on  a  desert 
named  Toolong,  that  is,  the  name  is  too  long  for  me  to  pro- 
nounce or  you  to  remember.  The  reason  that  China's  soil  is 
of  a  desert-like  dryness,  was  never  made  known  to  mankind 
until  a  few  years  ago  while  traveling  in  the  Orient,  I  myself, 
discovered  the  real  cause  and  to-night  make  it  known  publicly 
for  the  first  time. 

As  probably,  but  very  few  of  you  know,  rice  is  about  95% 
of  the  product  of  China  and  the  fact  that  it  is  an  amphibious 
article,  it  absorbs  all  the  moisture  from  the  ground  and  solves 
the  mystery  why  the  Chinese  never  start  a  laundry  in  their 
own  country.  Just  think  of  it,  they  claim  that  one  grain  of 
rice  consumes  9  1/13  quarts  of  water  from  the  time  it  is 
planted  until  it  fully  matures.  No  wonder  they  all  come  to 
this  country  and  make  us  wear  starched  stockings  and  eat 
their  infernal  Slop  Chewey. 

But  there  is  one  exception  to  all  this  and  I  had  the  pleas- 
ure of  witnessing  all  that  I  hope  to  show  you  to-night.  This 
exception  was,  Oh  Gee  Wash,  a  native  of  Canton,  Ohio — I  mean 
China — that  had  solved  the  problem  of  running  a  successful 
laundry  in  his  own  country.  He  overcame  all  obstacles  and 
with  his  meagre  resources,  became  one  of  China's  most  suc- 
cessful laundrymen.  During  my  short  stay  with  this  Oriental 
Wonder  Worker,  I  finally  persuaded  him  to  demonstrate  to 
me,  how  he  had  overcome  such  unsurmountable  obstacles  and 
was  making  such  success  in  the  laundry  business  with  water 
so  scarce  and  precious  as  to  be  almost  a  mere  luxury  for  the 
rich.  If  you  will  now  follow  me  closely,  I  shall  duplicate,  as 
near  as  I  can,  some  of  the  wonderful  things  this  mysterious 
Oh  Gee  Wash,  showed  me  that  day. 

First,  I  show  you  this  empty  bowl,  which  I  fill  with  rice 
from  Desert  of  Toolong.  I  next  cover  it  with  bowl  No.  2  and 
raising  it  on  high,  I  pronounce  that  mysterious  talismanic 
series  of  words,  Fooey,  fooey,  foong,  and  I  show  you  the  rice 
has  multiplied  to  double  its  quantity.  Leveling  it  off  to  the 


original  amount,  I  again  place  bowl  No.  2  on  and  raise  them 
aloft  where  you  may  all  see  the  wonderful  transformation 
taking  place.  Once  more  those  talismanic  words  and  we  have 
changed  our  rice  into  pure,  clear,  sparkling  water,  making  it 
possible,  you  see,  to  do  some  washing  right  now  if  any  one 
has  brought  their  bundle  with  them  this  evening.  No !  For- 
tunately, Oh  Gee  Wash  was  better  patronized  than  I  am,  or 
he  wouldn't  have  lasted  long  enough  to  get  his  hands  clean  and 
his  feet  wet.  Some  women  drop  in  and  leave  their  yellow 
mionas  to  be  laundered  and  he  gets  busy,  but  I'm  afraid  he 
is  going  to  realize  what  the  real  Yellow  Peril  is,  for  he  has 
washed  all  the  color  out  of  them. 

The  Chinese  race,  as  you  know,  are  not  noted  for  being 
overcleanly  and  at  the  end  of  the  day,  we  find  that  the  wash 
water  has  become  pretty  dark  and  dirty.  This  would,  at  once, 
seem  unfortunate  to  the  casual  observer.  Don't  be  deceived, 
for  such  is  not  the  case. 

A  great  many  of  you  have  heard  of  rice  paper,  but,  I  dare 
say,  none  of  you  are  familiar  with  the  method  of  its  manu- 
facture. Watch  me!  I'll  show  you  how  simple  it  is.  I  place 
some  rice  in  this  tea  canister,  put  on  the  cover,  hold  on  high 
and  say  Flooey  Kow  Zow  and  here  we  have  rice  paper.  Now 
if  there  is  anyone  who  has  a  package  of  Duke's  Mixture,  I'll 
show  you  something  else  -even  more  interesting. 

As  you  already  have  observed,  this  poor  illiterate  China- 
man has  made  use  of  every  resource  at  his  command  and  in 
this  case,  there  is  no  exception,  for  he  dips  these  blank  pieces 
of  rice  paper  in  his  dirty  wash  water  and  Presto!  he  has  his 
laundry  tickets  all  ready  in  spite  of  the  fact  that  he  can  neither 
read  nor  write,  this  bringing  to  an  end,  a  long  day's  work. 
I  thank  you. 


TWENTIETH  CENTURY  FLAG  TRICK 

Properties:  A  double  silk  handkerchief  (blue),  a  red  silk 
kerchief,  a  United  States  Flag  (silk)  tied  to  corner  of  blue  silk 
and  tucked  smoothly  inside,  a  duplicate  of  this  flag,  a  handker- 
chief pull  or  vanisher,  and  a  water  goblet. 

Patter:  This  trick  I  am  about  to  show  you  is  of  a  pa- 
triotic nature  and  any  one  that  don't  applaud  will  automatically 
brand  him  or  herself  as  a  traitor  of  the  dyest  deep. 


I  take  this  red  and  blue  silk,  two  of  the  principal  colors 
of  the  grandest  flag  that  ever  fluttered  in  the  ozone,  and  tie 
them  together  so  and  rolling  them  up  in  this  manner  I  will  place 
them  in  this  glass  where  they  may  be  plainly  seen  by  all  those 
present.  I'll  go  still  further  and  allow  the  handsomest  lady 
in  the  audience  to  hold  my  hand,  I  mean  the  glass,  I  am  afraid 
I  had  too  many  glasses  before  the  show  for  I  almost  said  some- 
thing I  hadn't  ought  to  have  said.  Now  this  lady  over  here 
looks  as  though  she  might  be  the  very  one  to  help  me  with  this 
very  pretty  experiment.  Thank  you,  hold  it  tight  and  don't 
let  the  handkerchiefs  get  away  from  you. 

I  now  take  this  pretty  silk  flag,  funny  how  a  few  glasses 
makes  you  want  to  get  gushy  and  say  everything  is  pretty  and 
handsome  and  dear  and  all  that  sort  of  thing.  Anyhow,  I 
take  this  lovely  flag  and  waving  it  up  and  down  in  this  manner 
—say,  what's  wrong?  Either  I  am  slipping  or  else  this  flag 
is.  I  believe  it's  getting  away  from  me.  I  wish  I  hadn't  taken 
those  last  five  glasses  before  I  came  on.  Gracious  am  I  seeing 
things?  Why  the  flag  is  gone.  I  certainly  must  sign  the 
pledge. 

Young  lady,  have  you  seen  anything  of  a  perfectly  dear 
silk  flag  about  so  gross  (hold  hands  apart  to  indicate  size). 
You  know  they  are  wearing  colors  so  much  this  season  that 
I  wouldn't  be  surprised  a  bit  if  you  had  it.  Now  I  don't  really 
want  to  embarrass  you  but  may  I  ask  what  is  that  you  have 
hidden  between  those  silk  handkerchiefs  you  are  holding. 

Now  I  think  that  was  kind  of  mean  of  you  to  hide  that 
flag  there  and  not  let  anyone  see  you  do  it.  Don't  you  dare  to 
do  such  a  thing  again. 


PASSE  PASSE  BOTTLES  AND  GLASSES. 

Properties:  Two  metal  covers,  two  metal  bottles  that 
nest  and  are  painted  glossy  black,  and  two  glasses,  with  stems 
that  fit  inside  the  bottles,  and  a  quantity  of  wine  or  colored 
water  in  the  upper  part  of  one  of  the  bottles. 

Patter:  Here  is  something  that  teaches  us  a  lesson  that-v 
we  won't  ever  forget,  for  the  mystery  attached  to  this  trick 
and  the  various  articles  used  is  so  unfathomable  that  the  more 
I  try  to  demonstrate  their  weird  powers,  the  more  I  am  con- 
vinced that  they  are  the  product  of  that  great  departed  arch 
demon — Ala  ma-gusalum. 

For  instance  altho  this  cover  is  smaller  than  the  other  one, 
yet  it  invisibly  expands  as  I  pass  it  over  the  other  one  and  so 


easily  that  it  seems  no  effort  at  all,  and  likewise  it  passes  over 
this  bottle  and  glass,  and  in  fact  I  can  put  this  glass  over  the 
cover,  and  put  the  cover  and  glass  inside  the  bottle,  but  I  won't. 
Why,  I  refuse  to  tell. 

This  much  I  will  say,  if  I  did  you  might  think  some  of  us 
ought  to  change  our  habits  or  liquor,  so  I  won't  take  a  chance. 

But  to  go  on  further,  I  take  this  glass  and  fill  it  full  of 

some  perfectly  good  wine  I  got  at (use  name  of  some 

local  wine  seller.)  It  came  out  of  a  special  bottle  he  keeps. 
I  think  it's  marked  "Iceman's  Special"  or  something  like  that. 

Now  I  cover  the  bottle  with  this  magic  cover  and  the  "Ice- 
man's Delight"  with  the  other  cover  and,  allowing  my  spirit 
guide,  the  Great  Guckenheimer,  a  brief  moment  to  cast  a  spell 
over  the  two  cylinders  of  mystery,  I  once  more  raise  them  and 
find  Guck  old  boy  has  been  on  the  job  for  now  we  have  the 
bottle  where  the  glass  of  "Iceman's  Dream"  was  and  the  "Ice- 
man's Elixir"  over  here. 

I'll  put  them  on  once  more  and  call  on  my  friend  Guck  to 
throw  her  on  high.  A  little  more  gas  and  here  we  are  back 
home  again,  with  the  bottle  over  here  and  the  "Iceman's  Cof- 
finvarnish"  over  here.  With  the  permission  I  will  now  treat 
myself  to  a  glass  of  this  special  brew. 

You  see  the  covers,  bottles  and  glass  are  still  under  a 
magic  spell  for  once  more  I  slip  the  covers  over  each  other,  the 
bottle  over  the  tray,  the  tray  over  the  bottle,  glass  over  the 
cover,  cover  over  itself,  etc.,  and  if  any  of  you  don't  like  the 
trick,  please  give  me  a  little  kind  applause  and  I  promise  not  to 
repeat  it  again. 


Properties :  Egg  bag  with  secret  lining  making  a  double 
compartment  and  egg,  preferably  a  celluloid  or  wooden  one. 
In  absence  of  either,  a  blown  one  will  answer. 

Patter:  For  this  experiment,  I  shall  use  this  pretty  red 
sack,  this  pretty  punk  egg  and  some  of  your  patience.  This  is 
a  long,  sad  story  and  if  there  are  any  ladies  present  that  have 
a  tendency  to  be  hysterical,  I  pray  thee,  depart ! 

There  was  once  upon  a  time  a  very  fussy,  absent-minded 
old  hen  that  in  a  misguided  moment  imagined  she  was  the  fond 
parent  of  an  egg  she  found  one  day,  stamped  "Cold  Storage 
Department,  X,  Sept.  1870."  She  spent  all  her  time  fussing 
with  this  ancient  egg  of  hers  before  she  finally  decided  to  put 
it  in  this  nest  I  hold  in  my  mit.  To  make  sure  it  was  a  safe 

5 


place  to  put  her  precious  treasure,  she  put  her  offspring  under 
her  wing  and  turning  the  nest  inside  out  and  outside  in  and 
beating  it  to  beat  the  band  (not  the  egg),  she  then  took  the 
egg  from  under  her  wing  and  laid  it  carefully  in  the  nest,  but 
she  was  so  absent-minded,  that  she  forgot  the  egg  was  in  the 
nest  instead  of  under  her  wing,  and  she  started  in  for  fair, 
looking  for  her  only  offspring.  She  turned  the  nest  upside 
down,  inside  out,  getting  excited;  she  twisted  and  beat  it  and 
pandemonium  reigned,  for  she  forgot  you  see  that  she  had  it 
under  her  wing.  Good  gracious!  It's  gone!  As  a  last  re- 
sort, she  placed  her  claw  in  the  nest  and  a  broad  smile  came 
over  her  face  for  she  found  her  egg  safe  and  sound. 

You  see  the  truth  of  the  matter  was,  she  never  had  it 
under  her  wing  at  all,  for  well  she  knew  if  she  met  her  gentle- 
man friend — the  rooster — and  saluted  with  the  wrong  wing, 
well,  scrambled  eggs  are  all  right  to  eat,  but  it's  awfully  em- 
barrassing to  introduce  them  as  one  of  the  family.  Where  did 
she  have  it  ?  Why,  she  swallowed  it,  of  course,  and  it's  a  good 
thing  she  did,  for  the  fowl  language  that  old  hen  uses  when  she 
mislays  her  egg  is  something  scandolious.  Watch  me  and  I'll 
show  you  just  how  she  did  it.  (Pretend  to  swallow  egg), 

(This  spoken  with  partly  closed  mouth) :  The  crazy  absent- 
minded  loon  has  the  egg  in  her  mouth  and  has  forgotten  it  and 
is  raising  rough  house  with  nest  again.  (Turn  inside  out, 
etc.),  but  say,  she  isn't  so  loony  after  all,  for  sure  enough,  here 
is  the  egg  in  the  nest  again.  That's  twice  she  slipped  it  over 
on  us.  As  my  friend,  Johnson,  says:  "It's  no  yoke  this  egg 
business."  A  pretty  foxy  hen  believe  me,  to  pull  a  stunt  like 
that  and  fool  us  all.  Any  of  you  who  are  not  next  to  how  she 
did  it,  please  remain  silent  and  I'll  tell  you  just  how  she  gets 
away  with  it. 

At  your  first  opportunity,  take  a  look  at  a  chicken's  foot 
and  you  will  find  a  toe  similar  to  my  thumb  and  whenever  she 
suspects  anyone  is  a  crook  or  not  to  be  trusted,  she  takes  her 
egg  and  holds  it  so  as  to  conceal  it  and  fools  them  all.  She  even 
fooled  me  'and  that's  going  some.  It  looks  awkward  and 
clumsy,  but  you  can't  help  that,  you  know.  It's  part  of  the 
game  to  be  clumsy,  as  you  probably  believe  already,  after 
watching  me  try  to  be  otherwise.  So  whenever  you  see  an 
old  hen  stepping  along  careful  like,  you  may  know  she  is  car- 
rying her  precious  egg  to  some  safe  place. 

Now  that  you  all  are  thoroughly  familiar  with  the  method 
of  doing  this  pretty  illusion,  I  hope  you  will  all  promise  not  to 
let  anyone  outside  of  the  immediate  family  know  the  secret. 

6 


HYDROMETER  TUBE  AND  FLYING  HANDKERCHIEFS. 

Properties: — Tall  footed  glass  cylinder,  celluloid  insert, 
two  stemmed  glasses  with  flaring  bowls,  two  clips  for  silks, 
two  green,  two  purple,  two  orange,  silk  kerchiefs,  paste  board 
or  paper  tube  fitting  loosely  over  glass  cylinder,  and  bag 
servante,  or  black  art  well  for  vanish  of  celluloid  insert. 

Patter:  My  next  experiment  will  be  of  a  scientific 
nature,  in  which  I  hope  to  prove  to  you  most  conclus- 
ively the  general  accepted  theory  that  glass  is  a  non-con- 
ductor of  electricity,  heat  and  cold — cocoa  cola,  is  not  only 
untrue,  but  very  misleading.  I  shall  likewise  prove  to  you 
that  contrary  to  all  law  of  nature,  I  shall  pass  substances  (of 
solid  material)  invisibly  from  place  to  place  in  a  fully  lighted 
room.  According  to  science,  nothing  except  substances  of  a" 
gaseous  or  ethereal  nature  may  be  transported  or  passed  from 
place  to  place  invisibly.  This  is  all  rot  and  also  very  mislead- 
ing, for  the  science  of  magic  knows  no  such  laws.  We  make 
our  own  laws  to  fit  each  specific  case. 

For  illustration :  This  beautiful  experiment  I  am  about  to 
show  you,  in  a  way,  is  a  masterpiece  of  the-magic  art.  I  first 
show  you  three  silk  handkerchiefs,  product  of  that  wonderful 
bird — the  cotton  silk  worm.  First,  the  lavender,  emblem  of 
Goose  Island,  Italy.  Second,  the  gold,  emblem  of  Maxwell  St., 
China.  Third,  the  green,  emblem  of  our  Police  Force,  Ireland. 

Note: — In  place  of  Goose  Island,  etc.,  use  local  names  to 
suit  occasion. 

I  also  show  you  this  round,  cylindrical  glass  tube,  that 
apparently  is  empty.  And  so  it  is,  except  to  the  bunch  of 
crystal  gazers  here  in  the  front  row  and  myself.  Being,  per- 
haps, a  couple  of  feet  closer  than  they  are,  I  probably  can  see 
just  a  little  more  than  they  can,  if  such  is  possible.  Not  to 
deceive  those  who  are  so  unfortunate  as  to  occupy  seats  in 
the  rear  of  the  hall,  I  will  say  for  their  benefit  that,  contrary 
to  their  belief,  the  tube  is  not  empty. 

In  the  bottom  of  this  mysterious  glass  tube,  I  see  the 
fluttering  of  a  phosphorescent  hue  of  a  reddish  color,  that  fore- 
tells me  some  one  here  tonight  with  sore  hands  is  going  to 
applaud  me  for  being  so  clever.  Otherwise,  the  tube  is  full 
of  nothingness. 

This  paste  board  tube  I  show  you  is  of  ordinary  descrip- 
tion and  free  from  any  trickery,  except  that  in  a  small  measure 
it  possesses  occult  powers  that  at  times  are  very  surprising. 

7 


For  instance,  I  look  through  this  end  of  the  tube  and  I  see  a 
great  many  people  I  am  suspicious  of.  On  the  other  hand,  if 
you  make  use  of  your  peepers  at  that  end  of  the  tube,  you  will 
say  "Even  Steven."  (The  score  is  tie,  etc.)  I  put  this  paste 
board  tube  over  the  glass  cylinder  and  in  perfectly  fair  man- 
ner, I  put  (or  insert)  these  three  silk  handkerchiefs,  the  lav- 
ender, gold  and  green.  I  now  take  out  the  green  through  the 
top  and  show  you  both  sides,  proving  it  to  be  unprepared.  I 
lay  it  on  the  table  and  once  more  show  you  the  gold  and 
lavender  are  still  there,  regardless  of  the  fact  that  I  heard  a 
remark  from  a  gentleman  to  my  left,  saying  they  were  not. 

(Take  up  green  silk  again  with  remark.)  That  whenever 
I  see  this  color,  it  reminds  me  of  the  dear  old  Irish,  and  if  you 
ever  want  to  start  something  you  can't  finish,  just  take  an 
Irishman  by  the  head  and  heels  and  swing  him  around  like 
this  and  immediately,  you  have  another  one  (producing  second 
silk  from  first)  on  the  ground  to  help  put  you  out  of  business. 
The  only  way  I  have  ever  found  to  keep  two  sons  of  the 
Emerald  Isle  from  disturbing  the  peace,  is  to  put  them  as  far 
apart  as  possible,  so  I  shall  put  one  here — at  left  corner  of 
table — and  one  here — at  right  corner. 

I  almost  forgot  to  call  your  attention  to  these  two  empty 
glasses  I  also  use  during  this  experiment.  (That  is,  if  you  use 
the  same  kind  of  liquor  I  do,  they  will  appear  empty.) 

Strangely  enough,  a  few  evenings  ago,  a  wobbly  gentle- 
man in  the  front  row  challenged  my  statement  that  such  was 
the  case.  I  asked  him  what  he  saw  in  there  that  caused  him 
to  believe  them  not  empty.  He  said  he  saw  a  pink  snake 
and  wishing  to  humor  him,  I  said,  "All  right,  it's  a  pink  snake, 
let  it  go  at  that." 

I  saw  he  was  very  nervous  and  wrought  up  and  asked 
him  if  there  was  anything  else  wrong.  "Yes,"  he  said,  "for 
between  the  efforts  of  that  snake  trying  to  crawl  out  of  that 
glass  and  a  lobster  like  you  trying  to  put  over  a  magic  act  is 
enough  to  drive  strong  men  to  drink.  So,  here  is  where  I 
beat  it  to  my  old  friends,  John  Barley  Corn,  Laugenheimer, 
Anheuser  Slitz." 

Fortunately,  I  found  out  that  this  party  was  to  be  one 
of  our  guests  tonight.  I  had  a  short  talk  with  him  before  the 
show  and  he  confided  in  me  that  he  had  been  to  Dwight  and 
taken  the  Gold  Cure,  but  he  doubted  if  it  took.  Explaining 
further,  he  said  they  gave  him  a  ten  dollar  gold  piece  on  a 

8 


spoonful  of  sugar  and  when  he  tried  to  swallow  it,  he  chokes 
and  coughed  up  $7.15. 

So,  as  a  special  favor  that  I  may  in  no  way  mar  this  gen- 
tleman's pleasure,  I  shall  cover  this  glass  for  the  time  being 
with  this  green  silk,  and  for  fear  that  our  guest  may  be  see- 
ing double,  perhaps  I  better  do  the  same  with  this  also.  I 
now  with  my  magic  wand  gather  the  invisible  atoms  of  silk 
as  they  arise  from  this  tube  of  glass  and  along  the  line  of 
influence  I  pass  it  into  this  glass.  Once  more,  I  repeat  the 
operation  and  send  the  remaining  one  into  this  other  glass 
receptacle.  I  now  remove  the  cover  and  you  see  they  have 
disappeared,  but  not  far,  for  here  we  have  the  gold  and  over 
here  the  lavender  and  I  show  you  the  tube  and  glass  empty, 
proving  conclusively  that  glass  really  is  a  good  conductor,  that 
solid  substances  may  pass  through  the  air  invisibly  and  inci- 
dentally I  am  a  liar  from  the  ground  up.  Will  the  usher  pass 
all  these  various  articles  through  the  audience  and  have  them 
thoroughly  examined?  

WINE  AND  WATER 

Properties:  Several  glasses  prepared,  pitcher  of  water 
with  proper  chemical  in  it,  etc. 

Patter :  I  don't  suppose  the  fact  that  the  present  agita- 
tion as  to  the  country  going  dry  bothers  any  of  you  out  there 
one  bit.  You  will  probably  still  get  yours  delivered  just  as 
regular  as  usual  in  a  laundry  wagon  at  night,  marked  potatoes, 
glass,  with  care,  etc. 

But  with  me  it's  different  for  I  have  no  chance  to  hide  my 
sins  under  the  cloak  of  darkness  like  you  have.  Right  out 
here  in  the  open  I  am  compelled  to  let  the  whole  universe  see 
that  I  am  a  toper.  In  fact  I  feel  that  I  need  a  drink  right  now 
so  here  goes.  What?  Water?  Why  that's  only  fit  to  put 
under  bridges.  Wine,  well  that's  more  like  it.  But  such  a 
small  one.  I  think  I  can  get  around  two  like  that.  What's 
wrong?  Another  glass  of  that  beastly  water  again.  Curses, 
Jack  Dalton,  I'll  be  revenged  this  very  night.  Once  more. 
Well  that's  better.  Now  to  refresh  my  weary  tired  little  brain. 
Oh  yes,  I  have  one. 

Jiggers !  I  think  I  hear  the  heavy  hoof  prints  of  the  sher- 
iff, by  heck.  Well  officer,  I  am  a  perfectly  good  prohibitionist 
and  was  just  showing  the  ladies  and  gentlemen  how  to  pour 
water  into  these  glasses  without  injuring  any  of  the  microbes. 
Yes,  that's  all.  Honest.  Thank  you,  officer.  Good-bye.  Gee 
that  was  a  close  call.  Now  once  more  for  a  little  drink. 


You  know  I  didn't  get  through  half  as  slick  tonight  as  I 
usually  do  when  I  am  right.  Why  quite  frequently  I  get  all 
the  water  out  of  the  pitcher  without  waking  up  the  frog  that 
sleeps  there.  And  sometimes  I  get  as  many  as  seven  drinks 
of  wine  put  away  before  the  sheriff  gets  his  star  shined  up 
and  nibbles  off  a  fresh  chaw  of  tobacco. 


DYEING  HANDKERCHIEF  THROUGH  HAND 

Patter:  The  present  generation  will  pass  down  in  History 
as  having  accomplished  a  great  many  wonderful  things  in  an 
incredibly  short  time.  As  you  know,  we  have  to-day  such 
marvelous  achievements  as  Instantaneous  Photography,  In- 
stantaneous Coffee,  Instantaneous  Marriage  and  Divorce,  also 
Instantaneous  Death,  which  is  practically  the  same  as  instan- 
taneous marriage  and  divorce,  only  more  painless,  as  there  is 
no  prolonged  suffering,  as  in  the  other  case. 

Anyhow,  I  am  not  here  to  discuss  the  merits  or  demerits 
of  any  of  these  various  subjects.  All  I  wish  to  say  is  I  have 
a  pretty  experiment  to  show  you  that  is  not  exactly  instan- 
taneous death,  but  is  more  on  the  order  of  instantaneous 
dyeing. 

To  illustrate  this,  I  use  this  silk  handkerchief  and  my  two 
empty  hands.  I  push  this  handkerchief  down  through  the 
closed  hand  so  and  it  magically  is  changed  another  color. 


THE  MISER'S  DREAM 

Properties:  Coin  holder  with  about  twenty  coins,  also 
others  loaded  where  they  are  easily  gotten  at  during  produc- 
tion, also  a  borrowed  hat,  preferably  a  tall  silk  one,  but  a  derby 
will  answer  excellently  if  coins  are  allowed  to  drop  correctly, 
so  there  is  a  decided  click  or  ring  as  they  are  dropped  on  other 
coins  in  hat. 

Patter:  I  am  informed  that  owing  to  the  large  num- 
ber of  complimentaries  that  are  present  to-night  in  the 
way  of  friends  and  relatives  of  the  family — who  always  have 
an  annual  pass  to  everything  in  sight — also  a  great  many  poli- 
ticians and  officers — who  flashed  their  star  on  the  doorkeeper, 
and  last,  but  not  least,  the  usual  bunch  of  deadheads  that  are 
always  on  the  job  when  there  is  something  free  in  sight  to 
see  and  eat  (it's  on  this  eat  proposition,  I  am  making  this 
speechless  speech),  this  is  how  matters  stand: 

After  counting  up  the  box  receipts,  the  Committee  find 
that  there  is  not  sufficient  funds  to  defray  expenses  of  the  re- 

10 


freshments  that  are  to  be  served  later,  a  la  nux  vomica,  and  in 
view  of  this  fact,  I  have  volunteered  to  take  the  most  desperate 
chance  a  person  ever  took  in  his  life  by  coming  before  a  bunch 
like  this  and  asking1  each  of  you  to  dig  down  and  donate  a  little 
money  toward  defraying  the  "superflewous"  expense  that  an 
occasion  of  this  kind  naturally  "cremates," 

But,  before  I  begin  my  pilgrimage  amongst  you  in  quest 
of  Mazuma  and  Samolians,  etc.,  I  should  like  some  one  to  be  so 
kind  as  to  loan  me  a  chapeau  of  more  or  less  rigid  construction, 
for  to-night,  I  hope ;  now  election  is  over,  it  won't  be  a  case  of 
my  hat's  in  the  ring,  but  instead  let's  hear  your  sheckles 
make  a  ring  in  my  hat  and  then  we'll  all  eat,  drink  and  be 
merry  at  our  own  expense. 

Before  I  ask  any  one  to  cough  up  or  dig  down,  I  shall  set 
my  usual  splendid  example  of  generosity  by  placing  a  few 
coins  in  the  hat  in  the  way  of  nest  eggs,  so  to  speak.  I  first 
show  this  gentleman's  hat  empty  and  likewise  my  hands.  As 
you  may  observe,  this  hat  is  an  ordinary  one.  In  fact  $1.19 
won't  buy  much  else  but  an  ordinary  skimmer — I  mean  hat. 
These  remarks,  please  remember,  have  nothjng  to  do  with  this 
lid — I  mean  hat,  for  I  see  by  the  tag,  it  was  marked  down  to 
98c,  on  account  of  the  high  cost  of  living. 

With  one  of  these  helmets — I  mean  hats,  on  your  dome, 
your  friends  will  tell  you,  you  are  all  lit  up  like  a  Polish 
church.  Excuse  me,  I  see  money  floating  before  me,  it's  a  half 
a  dollar;  I'll  donate  it  to  the  Polish  church  (throw  into  hat), 
yes,  it's  real  money  (take  out  and  show  it  and  back  into  hat), 
and  here's  another  over  here. 

You  know  I  am  not  the  originator  of  this  way  of  getting 
easy  money.  The  President  of  the  Italian  Private  Garlic 
Banks  beat  me  to  it  and  I  can  go  even  farther  back  than  that, 
for  poor  old  Noah  on  his  Ark  had  to  take  this  method  of  keep- 
ing his  head  above  water.  Each  day,  History  tells  us  he 
started  out  hat  in  hand  (this  same  hat)  and  in  his  travels 
collected  enough  money  and  other  things  to  run  the  ark  on  a 
department  store  basis.  What  he  got  in  the  way  of  donations 
was  a  marvel. 

Luck  was  with  him  at  first,  for  he  got  a  five  spot  from  a 
leopard,  four  quarters  from  a  lamb,  a  greenback  from  a  frog, 
a  bill  from  a  duck,  a  couple  of  bucks  from  a  broncho,  a  cent 
from  a  centipede,  several  more  cents  from  a  skunk. 

11 


Tackling  his  different  Aid  de  Camps  on  the  Ark,  the  car- 
penter came  across  with  two  bits,  the  butcher  donated  a  couple 
of  bones,  the  baker  passed  over  his  roll,  the  banjo  player  let 
loose  with  a  couple  of  plunks.  He  took  his  easily  earned 
money  and  hired  the  leopard  to  work  as  a  spotter  on  the  Mt. 
Ararat  Trolley  Line. 

He  spent  a  good  share  of  it  for  a  trunk  for  the  elephant 
and  he  blew  the  rest  in  for  a  seal  ring  for  the  sea  lion.  Then, 
he  was  broke  again  and  started  out  on  another  trip  and  never 
got  a  cent,  but  what  he  got  besides  money  was  a  caution : 

A  pole  from  the  polar  bear  Gaiters  from  an  alligator 

A  rattle  from  the  rattlesnake  Beef  from  the  beaver 

A  pie  from  the  python  Sword  from  the  sword-fish 

A  boa    from    the  boa    con-  Tar  from  the  tarantula 

structor  Rye  from  a  rhinoceros 

A  pair  of  pants  from  the  dog  Badge  from  a  badger 

A  purse  (purrs)  from  the  cat  Spare-ribs  from  a  sparrow 

Moss  from  a  mosquito  A  can  from  a  canary 
Butter  from  a  butterfly  ,. 

Bunion  plaster  from  a  blue  jay  Grass  ±rom  a  grasshopper 

Drum  from  a  dromedary  Pick  from  a  pickerel 

Beets  from  a  beetle  And  then  he  got  robbed  by  a 
Crock  from  a  crocodile  robin. 


PIGEON  OR  DOVE  PAN 

Properties:  Pigeon  pan,  cover  loaded  with  one  or  more 
pigeons,  some  eggs,  alcohol,  matches,  salt  shaker,  etc. 

Patter:  This  is  just  a  foolish  little  experiment,  showing 
how  homes  are  almost  broken  into  smithereens  sometimes  by 
the  poor  little  wifey  trying  to  keep  down  the  high  cost  of  living 
to  $29.50  per  week,  when  poor  hubby  is  getting  but  $16.35  per. 
I  think  that  this  being  my  birthday,  I'll  go  a  little  out  of  my 
regular  course  and  make  myself  a  nice  little  birthday  cake  with 
red,  white  and  blue  frosting  and  decorate  it  with  whipped 
cream  candles. 

Let  me  see  how  many  candles  do  I  need.  I  say,  Stage 
Manager,  did  that  rough-neck  driver  bring  that  barrel  of 
candle  tallow  I  ordered  for  this  trick?  No.  Well,  what  do 
you  think  of  that?  A  most  beautiful  trick  spoilt  because  the 
driver  was  careless  and  sit  on  the  barrel  and  melted  all  the 
tallow  and  it  run  out  of  the  bung  hole.  Well,  what  are  you 
standing  there  for?  Excuse  me,  I  am  talking  to  myself. 
That's  it,  what  will  I  do.  Oh  I  know  what  you  want  me  to  do, 


but  thank  heavens  I  am  paid  by  the  hour  and  I  have  got  fifty 
minutes  to  go  yet. 

I  am  thankful  that  the  law  protects  me  the  same  as  it 
does  the  common  herd,  for  murder  in  a  place  like  this  would 
be  awfully  distressing,  especially  when  the  stage  is  so  nice  and 
clean.  What  makes  it  so  clean?  Why  I'm  a  tough  guy  and 
wiped  it  up  with  a  couple  of  scene  pushers'  heads  "for  a  mop. 
Excuse  me  Mr.  Scene  Pushers,  I  meant  I  was  the  mop.  I 
thought  you  had  gone  home.  My  what  a  close  call. 

Now,  I  think  I'll  put  one  of  these  eggs  in  first.  I'm  going 
to  take  a  desperate  chance  and  crack  the  shell.  Hello  chick. 
Just  you  be  quiet  for  a  while  and  I'll  put  you  in  a  paper  sack 
and  shoot  you  the  next  performance.  Now  for  a  little  Swedish 
Salad  Dressing,  and  a  little  Mexicano  fire  water,  a  dash  of 
Scott's  Emulsion  of  Carp,  and  last  a  touch  with  the  magic 
match  and  we  have  a  fine  kettle  of  fish,  so  to  speak. 

There  I  think  it  is  cooked  just  about  enough,  for  my  finger 
nails  are  starting  to  pop.  Let's  take  off  the  cover  and  see  how 
we  are  making  out.  Well,  well,  if  it  isn't  a  dove  of  peace,  so 
we  are  all  good  friends  after  all. 


Properties:  Mail  sack,  rods,  padlocks,  keys,  seals,  wax, 
etc. 

Patter:  They  say  no  one  can  put  anything  over  Uncle 
Sam  but  I  was  born  a  few  days  before  he  was  and  am  just  wise 
enough  to  do  that  very  thing  that  you  would  least  expect  me 
to  do  and  to  prove  all  this  I  brought  along  a  souvenir  that  looks 
very  much  like  one  of  Uncle  Sam's  mail  sacks.  And  that's 
just  what  it  is  too. 

How  did  I  happen  to  get  it  ?  That's  easy.  I  just  watched 
my  chance  when  Uncle  Sam  had  turned  his  back  to  tell  Ger- 
many he  would  give  him  a  severe  slap  on  the  wrist  if  he  didn't 
quit  submarining  all  our  nice  boats,  and  while  the  argument 
was  the  hottest  I  picked  out  a  nice  big  fat  one  and  beat  it 
while  the  beating  was  good. 

When  you  get  one  of  these  nice  big  fat  juicy  sacks  the 
first  thing  to  do  is  to  open  it  and  pick  out  all  the  nice  presents 
vou  find  and  give  them  to  yourself  for  Xmas  and  take  what's 
left  and  donate  them  to  the  downtrodden  Belgians  and  get 
your  name  and  picture  in  the  paper  without  having  to  take 
six  bottles  of  Sarsaparilla. 

13 


Anyhow  this  is  a  perfectly  good  sack,  and  I  have  also  a 
rod  of  steel  here.  Strange  how  a  rod  of  steel  is  only  about 
four  inches  and  a  rod  of  ground  is  about  four  acres,  more  or 
less. 

Now  I  am  going  to  allow  a  committee  of  hard-hearted 
men  to  lock  me  in  this  sack  and  while  I  have  hopes  of  getting 
out,  still  I  believe  from  the  determined  looks  on  their  faces 
that  I  am  going  up  against  it,  so  all  I  can  say  is  go  ahead  and 
do  your  worst,  but  remember  the  show  is  but  half  over  and  if 
I  don't  get  out,  all  those  that  wish  may  go  to  the  box  office 
and  get  a  refund  of  eleven  cents  to  buy  flowers  for  me.  Well, 
good-bye,  I'm  all  in. 

Well  here  I  am  and  everybody  looks  so  happy  I  begin  to 
feel  that  way  myself,  for  to  be  honest  with  you  I  need  the 
eleven  cents  more  than  I  do  your  darn  old  flowers. 


Properties:  Birds,  trick  cage,  double  paper  bag,  place  to 
hang  bag,  pistol,  etc. 

Patter:  I  now  present  to  you  my  version  of  that  beau- 
tiful poem,  "The  Bird  in  the  Gilded  Cage."  I  use  canary 
birds  for  this  experiment  for  I  am  passionately  fond  of  them. 
In  fact  I  had  a  couple  on  toast  this  morning  for  breakfast. 

The  only  thing  about  this  trick  I  don't  like  is  the  bars  on 
the  cage.  It  brings  back  bygone  days  when  I  was  a  beautiful 
bird  with  exquisite  striped  plumage.  Some  rude  persons 
imagine  I  infer  that  I  was  a  kind  of  a  jail  bird.  Don't  get 
personal  for  I  have  a  fiery  disposition. 

But  that's  no  fault  of  mine.  It's  the  stage  manager's. 
In  fact  I  have  had  them  tell  me  so  often  that  I  was  fired  that 
I  have  to  wear  an  asbestos  suit  for  protection. 

But  that  hasn't  anything  to  do  with  what  I  am  about 
to  show  you.  What  I  want  to  impress  upon  your  minds  is  the 
fact  that  I  am  a  living  and  breathing  example  of  one  who  was 
able  by  a  clever  ruse,  instead  of  serving  twelve  months  in  jail, 
to  get  away  with  it  and  only  had  to  serve  five — years. 

This  little  bird  is  the  only  one  in  existence  that  ever  tried 
to  duplicate  my  famous  mail  sack  escape.  Here  we  start. 
First,  I  take  my  little  lemon  colored  friend  from  his  gilded 
brass  domicile  and  place  him  in  this  little  paper  sack  and  hang 
him  up  here  where  you  all  can  see  him.  How  sweet  he  chirps. 
I  think  he  is  singing  that  beautiful  song  "Bag  to  the  Cage 
Again."  Now  for  the  dirty  work. 

14 


Where  is  that  12-inch  gun  with  a  gas  bomb  filler.  I  hate 
to  shoot  this.  It  might  wake  somebody  up.  It  always  makes 
me  think  the  Germans  are  coming.  Now  watch  this.  It's 
really  good.  I  tried  it  on  my  mother-in-law  and  I  haven't 
seen  her  since.  Bang.  And  we  find  the  bag  empty  and  Mr. 
Canary  back  home  again  ready  to  get  shot  or  half  shot  any 
old  time  just  like  myself. 


WELSH  RABBIT  PAN 

Properties:  Welsh  Rabbit  Pan,  with  load  of  Ribbon 
Paper,  Giant  Snake,  Bon  Bons,  and  other  items  for  production 
that  are  suitable.  Also  have  Buzzer,  Watch  Winder  or  some 
other  noise  producing  apparatus  in  with  load  so  it  can  be  used 
before  bringing  out  snake.  Press  it  against  side  of  pan  (buz- 
zer) to  intensify  noise.  Also  as  accessories  have  pop  gun  for 
comedy,  shooting  same  into  pan  before  producing  snake.  Also 
provide  oil  can  filled  with  alcohol,  bag  of  sawdust,  bar  of  soap, 
large  spoon,  salt  and  pepper  shaker  filled  with  sand,  three 
china  eggs,  and  such  other  items  as  you  may  find  convenient 
for  a  comedy  effect. 

Patter:  A  letter  has  just  been  handed  to  me  and  while 
-  ordinarily,  I  like  to  receive  them,  I  must  say  that  at 
this  inopportune  time,  it's  very  disturbing — to  say  the  least 
— giving  of  letters,  medals  and  the  horse  laugh  to  performers 
during  their  act  is  very  bad  form.  I  see  that  the  writing  is  in 
a  lady's  hand.  That  makes  matters  different,  for  I  do  like  to 
receive  letters  from  the  fair  sex.  And,  oh!  Joy,  it's  from  a 
lady  in  the  audience.  The  letter  is  signed  Mrs.  So-and-So. 

Well,  Mrs ,  I  thank  you  for  being  so  kind  and,  with 

your  permission,  will  read  the  contents  aloud: 
"My  dear  Mr.  Magician: 

Knowing  you  to  be  an  expert  in  the  Art  of  Domestic  Sci- 
ence, I  am  enclosing  herewith  a  recipe  I  copied  from  the  Ladies' 
Homely  Journal  for  Marmalade  Fricassee  and  I  trust  that  some 
time  during  the  evening,  you  will  try  and  cook  some  and  serve 
to  those  present.  The  reason  I  ask  this  is  because  I  tried  it 
on  pur  piano,  I  mean  gas  stove,  and  it  seemed  to  me  exquisitely 
delicious,  but  my  husband  said  it  was  deliriously  punk,  so  I 
shall  leave  the  matter  in  your  hands  to  prove  that  all  a  young 
wife  cooks  is  not  so  terrible  as  her  brute  husband  would  have 
her  believe. 

P.  S.  I  am  sending  all  the  necessary  ingredients,  but  re- 
gret I  cannot  send  you  the  gas  range,  as  we  have  only  paid 

15 


$2.00  on  it  and  the  man  says  if  we  take  it,  he  will  have  us 
pmshed — whatever  that  means. 

Anxiously  yours, 

Mrs. ." 

RECIPE 

1  qt.  hardwood  sawdust  More  sawdust 

Dash  Dutch  Cleanser  More  salt  and  pepper 

Some  pepper  and  salt  An  egg 

Some  oil  Another  egg 

Generous  portion  Soapade  Another  egg 

Fels  Naphtha  Soap  to  suit  taste  More  oil. 

More  oil 

To  tell  how  an  egg  is  fresh:  Put  it  on  end  of  fist  and  if 
it  moves  it's  a  sign  there  is  a  young  chicken  in  it  wagging  its 
tail.  If  the  egg  is  still  and  don't  move,  the  egg  is  0.  K.,  or 
else  the  chick  is  dead  and  lost  use  of  his  rudder. 

Now,  is  there  any  gentleman  present  that  has  a  last  year's 
bird's  nest  in  the  shape  of  a  stiff  hat  that  he  will  lend  me  for 
a  moment?  Some  one  that's  having  trouble  with  his  wife  and 
doesn't  care  if  he  gets  his  hat  back  or  not,  preferred. 

Now,  I'd  like  to  borrow  a  white  handkerchief.  Is  there 
any  gentleman  here  to-night  that  is  afflicted  with  hay  fever 
and  has  a  plentiful  supply,  so  he  won't  miss  one  if  I  fail  in  my 
experiment?  What  size  hat  do  you  wear?  3%;  my,  I'm  afraid 
that's  pretty  small  for  any  use  as  a  stove ;  let  me  see !  (pan  in 
hat.)  How  lucky!  It  just  fits. 

Mix  up  recipe  now  and  put  alcohol  on  handkerchief  that's 
concealed  in  metal  feke  in  hat  and  set  fire  and  cook.  Pan 
into  hat  and  out,  cover  going  on  as  pan  goes  in  hat.  Remove 
cover  and  produce  paper,  ribbon,  snake,  sausages,  flags,  etc., 
with  use  of  buzzer  and  pop  gun. 

In  production  of  roll  of  paper,  remark  that  it  isn't  cooked 
enough,  it  seems  to  run.  Gracious  but  he  has  an  awful  long 
neck.  He  must  belong  to  the  rubber-neck  giraffe  ostrich 
family. 

In  production  of  snake,  during  horse  play  with  buzzer  and 
gun  remark  that  the  audience  is  to  remain  as  calm  as  possible 
and  not  to  be  afraid  or  alarmed  that  you  are  there  to  protect 
them,  etc. 

16 


WELSH  RABBIT  PAN 

(Patter  for  use  where  no  ladies  are  present.) 

I  had  a  little  argument  with  my  wife  just  shortly  before 
I  came  here  this  evening  and  to  relieve  my  mind  of  its  burden, 
T'll  tell  you  all  about  it.  You  won't  mind  listening,  will  you? 
Certainly  not — I  know  just  how  you  all  feel.  Misery  always 
loves  company.  Here  is  the  whole  proposition  with  full  de- 
tails. 

My  wife  has  joined  a  Correspondence  Cooking  School  and 
Domestic  Science  Club  and  every  week,  she  gets  her  lesson  by 
mail  at  $5.00  per  lesson — my  money — and  then  she  tries  them 
out  on  me  and  the  dog.  The  worst  has  come  to  "worster," 
for  the  dog  is  dead  and  now  I  have  to  bear  the  brunt  of  it  all, 
so  I  come  before  you  to-night  on  behalf  of  human  mankind, 
appealing  for  aid  and  sympathy.  When  I  came  home  this 
evening,  I  could  tell  by  the  evil  look  in  my  wife's  eye  that  she 
had  received  another  lesson  by  mail  and  I  was  in  for  it. 

In  my  desperation,  I  rushed  out  of  the  house  through  the 
kitchen,  grabbing  hurriedly  a  few  of  the  various  ingredients 
she  had  ready  to  mix  into  one  of  her  latest  infernal  dyspeptic 
concoctions  to  inflict  upon  me  and  the  dog  (minus  the  dog). 
Fortunately,  I  was  able  to  grab  an  old  oatmeal  cooker  and  like- 
wise the  recipe  she  was  about  to  use — which  I  shall  read  and 
ask  you  who  are  present  if  I  am  not  right  in  my  contention 
that  any  one  carrying  such  a  small  amount  of  insurance  as  I 
do  shouldn't  refuse  absolutely  to  eat  anything  that  has  a  ten- 
dency to  loosen  the  teeth  and  temper.  (Read  the  recipe.) 

Now,  I  haven't  a  thing  I  can  use  in  the  way  of  a  stove  to 
cook  this  mess  in,  as  my  exit  was  so  hurried  and  things  were 
getting  so  hot,  I  didn't  realize  I'd  ever  need  one,  so  I  appeal  to 
you  to  help  me  out  of  this  predicament  in  which  I  find  myself. 
I  must  beg,  borrow  or  steal  a  hat  from  some  one  to  help  cook 
this  conglomeration,  that  my  wife  so  chooses  to  call  Marmalade 
Fricassee.  (Use  regular  patter  for  borrowing  hat  and  handker- 
chief) . 

HOT  COFFEE  VASE. 

(With  flag  vase  effect.) 

Properties: — Hot  Coffee  Vase,  with  load  of  silks,  etc.,  a 
quantity  of  cotton  of  various  colors,  a  paste  board  cylinder 
with  half  of  it  covered  vertically  with  green  paper  and  some 
characteristic  picture  pasted  on  it  such  as  a  harp,  two  clay 

17 


pipes  crossed,  or  something  similar  in  nature,  on  reverse  side 
yellow  paper  with  a  pretzel,  or  foaming  glass  of  beer,  etc., 
pasted  on.  This  cover  is  turned  so  that  where  edges  of  paper 
join  is  showing  at  beginning  of  trick.  Turn  as  you  allude  to 
the  two  nationalities.  Also  place  some  gun  cotton  or  flash 
sheet  in  with  cotton  in  shallow  metal  feke  that  is  on  part  with 
load.  This  you  light  as  patter  runs  along  regarding  bomb. 

Patter:  I  take  great  pleasure  in  presenting  to  you 
for  the  first  time  a  novelty  of  my  own  creation,  that  I 
shall  choose  to  call  a  "Political  Trick."  You  can  call  it  any- 
thing you  like,  as  long  as  you  don't  speak  too  loud.  Remember, 
that  the  management  allows  no  vulgar  language,  either  on  or 
off  the  stage,  during  my  act. 

I  have  here  an  empty  urn,  wherein  at  one  time  dwelled 
the  spirit  of  Guchenheimer,  the  Goddess  of  magic,  but  she  has 
not  been  on  the  job  for  so  long  now,  that  I  am  getting  along 
splendid  without  her,  thanks  to  her  twin  sister,  the  God- 
dess of  Budweiser.  I  might  add  further  that  I  didn't  pur- 
chase this  urn  with  any  of  my  earnings  as  a  magician. 

I  have  here  something  that  I  treasure  as  I  do  my  own 
life.  They  are  locks  of  hair  from  the  heads  of  some  of  the 
fairest  ladies  in  the  land  and  were  given  to  me  as  a  token  of 
their  undying  love.  Their  love  was  undying,  but  I  can't  say 
the  same  for  their  hair.  I  should  have  had  several  times  this 
amount,  but  when  they  found  out  I  was  saving  up  for  a  hair 
mattress,  they  quit  cutting  their  hair  and  cut  me  instead. 
So  you  see,  you  have  got  me  tonight  where  the  hair  is  short, 
figuratively  speaking,  says  the  King.  However,  I  will  do  the 
best  I  can  with  what  I  have. 

I  take  these  various  locks  of  hair  and  put  them  in  the 
urn,  mixing1  the  locks  of  the  peroxide  blond,  the  strawberry 
blond,  red  head,  white  head,  etc.,  all  together, — so.  This  lock 
of  hair  (red)  always  reminds  me  of  the  time  this  particular 
girl's  hair  turned  to  auburn.  Wishing  to  be  sociable  and  agree- 
able, I  asked  her  one  hot  day  how  her  father  stood  the  heat. 
That's  when  she  became  a  red  head.  You  see  I  didn't  know 
her  father  was  dead.  And  now,  to  prevent  their  departed, 
turbulent  spirits  from  coming  forth  and  disturbing  this  quiet 
and  peaceful  gathering,  I  will  place  this  empty  cover  over, — so. 

A  great  many  people  ask  me  why  I  sometimes  use  this 
cover  to  hide  what  I  am  doing.  I  have  several  good  reasons, 
one  in  particular  is  that  I  am  in  the  same  predicament  that  a 
great  many  of  you  are  and  have  to  keep  a  great  many  things 

18 


I  do  under  cover.  But,  the  real  reason  I  use  this  cover  during 
this  trick  I  am  now  about  to  explain,  for  it's  a  clever  idea  of 
my  own  and  I  hope  that  you  will  appreciate  it,  for  it's  so 
seldom  that  an  amateur  magician  gets  a  clever  idea,  that  I 
trust  you  will  be  generous  in  showing  your  approval  and 
appreciation. 

For  instance,  suppose  I  am  entertaining  an  audience  where 
the  predominating  element  is  composed  of  Germans.  I  turn 
the  cover, — so,  and  explain  I  am  about  to  do  a  trick  for  the 
Germans  that  are  present.  It's  a  knock-out  blow  for  them 
and  always  makes  a  hit.  Some  one  waves  his  hands  and  says, 
"Wheat  Cakes,"  and  I  return  the  salutation,  saying  "Maple 
Syrup"  and  we  go  down  to  the  corner  and  blow  the  foam  off  a 
couple  of  fresh  ones  (ice  cream  sodas)  and  wander  back  arm 
in  arm  and  the  show  goes  on  and  is  a  great  success. 

On  the  other  hand,  suppose  I  am  working  before  a  repre- 
sentation of  the  Emerald  Isle.  I  swing  on  them  like  this. 
Another  knock-out  is  scored.  This  time  it's  me.  Some  one 
waves  his  fist  at  me  and  salutes  me  with  Erin  Ga  Braugh.  I 
return  his  salute  with  Hair  In  The  Broth  to  you  and  many  of 
them  and  if  the  wire  netting  is  strong  enough  to  keep  them 
back,  I  go  on  with  the  trick  in  this  manner: 

First. — I  remove  the  cover  of  disturbance  and  dis- 
pense with  its  use  altogether,  for  why  should  I  use  it?  I 
haven't  a  single  reason  to  offer,  for  we  all  know  the  great 
battle-cry  on  all  sides  is  to  put  the  lid  on.  If  there  is  too  much 
betting  on  horse  races,  or  too  much  gambling,  or  the  thieves 
are  getting  more  plunder  (or  rake-off)  than  the  police,  the 
cry  is,  "Put  the  lid  on." 

Look!  Here  comes  a  black  hand  now,  prowling  around 
with  a  bomb  in  his  mit.  He  is  up  to  some  deviltry  and  no 
copper  in  sight.  He  is  going  to  light  it.  Look  out!  Bang! 
And,  as  usual,  the  police  arrive  too  late. 

And  what  happens?  Do  they  pinch  some  rough  joint? 
No,  I  should  say  not.  On  the  contrary,  they  break  in  on  an 
innocent  party  of  ladies  playing  euchre  for  a  19c  hand  painted 
plate  and  drag  them  out  in  all  their  silk  finery  and  scatter 
them  all  over  the  street,  much  to  the  joy  of  the  usual  bunch 
of  rubber  necks  that  were  present  then  and  also  here  this 
evening. 

19 


CUPS  AND  BALLS 

Properties:  Three  regular  metal  cups  such  as  generally 
used  for  this  trick,  four  small  cork  balls,  and  three  large  ar- 
ticles such  as  onions,  lemons,  oranges,  or  large  cork  balls. 
These  larger  items  should  be  of  a  size  so  they  will  just  fit  into 
cups  without  sticking.  They  are  loaded  in  at  the  finish  of 
trick  for  final  production  as  you  finish  patter.  Anyone  having 
difficulty  in  getting  them  loaded  in  unseen  will  be  given  correct 
method  by  writing  the  publishers  of  this  book. 

Patter:  It  is  said  that  there  is  nothing  new  under  the 
sun,  but  I  believe  before  I  am  through  with  the  experiment 
I  am  about  to  show  you, -you  will  agree  with  me  that  such 
is  far  from  being  true.  In  presenting  to  you  this  interesting 
experiment,  I  shall  use  some  articles  that  have  great  magical 
power,  for  instance : 

These  three  metallic  cups  I  show  you  undoubtedly  appear 
to  the  most  of  you  as  some  articles  of  common  construction 
for  such  vulgar  purposes  as  feeding  the  baby  malted  milk,  or 
for  a  shaving  mug,  or,  perhaps,  a  hair-receiver  or  cookie  cutter. 
Shame  on  you  for  allowing  yourself  to  be  so  deceived,  for  on 
the  contrary,  these  beautiful  magic  Egyptian  vases  are  com- 
posed of  an  amalgum  of  precious  metals  that  are  a  mystery 
to  even  such  great  scientists  and  philosophers  as  Anheuser 
Busch  or  Lydia  Pinkham. 

Their  magical  properties  are  without  number.  One  in 
particular  is  the  fact  that  they  are  as  penetrative  as  the  at- 
mosphere itself.  I  don't  refer  to  the  atmosphere  in  this  hall, 
for  if  they  were  as  thick  as  that,  there  would  be  nothing  more 
to  say  but  "Good  Night."  But,  fortunately,  such  is  not  the 
case,  therefore  making  it  possible  to  show  you  some  very  in- 
teresting experiments  with  these  cups.  To  bear  out  my  state- 
ment, I  pass  them  through  each  other — so. 

Next,  I  call  your  attention  to  my  magic  wand,  made  from 
that  rare  shrub — the  axle  tree.  I  also  wish  to  mention  that 
the  tips  on  this  magic  stick  were  made  from  Aladdin's  lamp, 
which  gives  it  such  powers  that  are  even  more  wonderful  than 
these  cups ;  for,  with  its  aid,  I  may  cause  to  appear  or  vanish 
any  articles  I  so  choose. 

As  an  illustration,  I  wish  a  small  ball  for  this  experiment 
and  behold!  It  appears  on  the  tip  of  my  wand  almost  before 
I  have  wished  it.  Isn't  that  marvelous?  Think  what  it 
means  to  be  able  to  produce  anything  you  wish  with  the  aid 

20 


of  these  cups  and  a  magic  wand !  To  the  uninitiated,  this  ball 
may  appear  to  be  inconsequential,  but  such  is  not  the  case. 
It  is  a  pill.  I  am  introducing  that,  which  has  great  curative 
properties. 

For  instance,  you  are  sick  and  know  three  or  four  of  these 
pale  pills  for  pink  people  will  save  your  life  or  put  your  mother- 
in-law  in  jail,  and,  you  have  but  one  pill.  You  evidently  are 
up  against  it,  are  you  not  ?  Yes,  you  are  not,  for  with  the  aid 
of  your  wand  and  these  Sphinx-like  cups — with  their  silence 
like  unto  a  sepulchre,  you  may  overcome  all  obstacles.  I'll 
make  it  clear  to  you  by  an  occular  demonstration: 

There  is  nothing  under  these  cups — as  you  can  plainly  see 
Now  then — I  take  this  pale  pill  that  has  lost  its  paleness  from 
association  and  contact  with  un-pale  hands  and  I  touch  it 
rather  rudely  (zing)  with  my  wand — and  behold!  I  now  have 
two  pills.  It's  too  (two)  bad,  pills  like  these  are  not  more 
popular  and  better  known.  They  are  fully  recommended  by 
the  Undertakers'  Trust  to  be  all  I  claim  them  to  be  and  then 
— some. 

Once  more,  I  show  you  the  cups  empty.  I  take  pill  in  my 
left  hand  and — zing!  It  passed  into  the  cup,  but  for  what 
reason?  It's  to  show  you  that  these  cups  are  a  shining  ex- 
ample of  how  thin  and  flimsy  your  friendship  is  and  your  be- 
lief in  me  when  I  say  I  am  a  magic  pill  doctor!  All  right,  we 
won't  argue  on  that  point.  But,  nevertheless,  time  is  valuable 
and  with  a  severe  case  right  here  now  of  malignant  Spiritus 
Fermenti,  we  must  have  another  pill  and  quickly,  too.  I  waved 
my  magic  stick  through  the  air — so — and — gather  not  a  pill, 
but  only  the  atoms  necessary  to  create  one.  I  pass  it  through 
this  cup  and  during  its  journey,  it  molds  itself  magically  into 
a  spherical  shape.  We  are  getting  along  splendidly  now.  In 
fact,  it  looks  as  though  I  could  start  out  right  now  as  a  suc- 
cessful M.  D. — Magic  Dub. 

Pills  made  in  such  a  mysterious  manner  are  inclined  to 
be  of  a  very  unrestf  ul  and  roving  nature  and — depart  and  re- 
turn in  a  most  unexpected  manner,  which — in  a  measure  hin- 
ders the  production  and  introduction  of  these  pills  to  the  eager 
public.  For,  I  must  confess,  up  to  the  present  time,  I  have 
been  unable  to  find  anything  secure  enough  to  hold  them. 

I  show  you  this  cup  empty  and  put  a  pill  under  this  one 
and  command  it  to  pass  in  a  half-hearted  way — for  I  don't 
want  it,  too — but  see,  here  it  is  under  this  cup.  Isn't  that  dis- 
couraging ? 

21 


I'll  try  it  another  way,  for  before  this  day  is  over,  I  shall 
conquer  the  roving  spirit  of  these  pesky  pills.  (Routine,  as 
per  Modern  Magic) .  I'll  have  to  give  that  method  up.  I'll 
try  throwing  them  away.  Here  goes  the  first  victim.  By  the 
Eternal,  here  it  is  back  under  the  cup  again!  It's  like  trying 
to  shake  an  old  maid  that's  in  love  with  you — it  can't  be  did. 

Some  people  are  so  skeptical  that  they  won't  believe  me  or 
their  own  eyes.  I  just  overheard  a  remark  that  I  never  pro- 
duce more  than  three  or  four  pills,  not  hardly  enough  for  a 
dose  for  a  healthy  person.  To  prove  to  you  that  I  am  as  lib- 
eral and  broad-minded  and  sincere  as  you  would  wish  me  to  be, 
I  am  going  to  make  a  large  quantity  of  these  pills  tonight  and 
pass  them  out  to  one  and  all,  so  you  all  may  try  some  of  the  ex- 
periments you  have  seen  me  do  for  you  this  evening.  I  can't 
exactly  say  my  heart  is  in  the  right  place,  for  it's  up  here  for 
fear  I'll  slip.  I  am  a  good  Samaritan  and  believe  in  doing  every- 
body good,  therefore  before  I  make  and  pass  out  these  pills, 
I  want  to  call  your  attention  to  some  of  the  wonderful  cures 
they  will  effect. 

Take,  for  instance  tonight.  I  see  there  are  quite  a  num- 
ber of  ladies  present,  whose  countenances  are  flushed  with 
color  on  one  side  and  very  pale  on  the  other.  Either  the  light 
in  this  room  or  their  room  is  or  was  uneven,  and,  an 
embarrassing  situation  develops.  What  is  to  be  done  ?  Just 
take  one  of  these  pale  pills  and  immediately, — the  flush  of 
color  is  gone  from  the  one  side  and  the  face  is  evenly  pale  all 
over.  Marvelous ! 

I  will  now  conclude  this  interesting  experiment  by  mag- 
ically manufacturing  an  endless  supply  of  these  famous  pills. 
Here  is  one — I  place  it  in  my  pocket,  and  another,  etc.,  until  I 
have  a  pocket  full.  I'm  afraid  to  look,  for  fear  there  are  no 
more.  Yes  there's  another. 

You  see  the  supply  is  unlimited.  'You  see,  the  more  I 
want,  the  more  I  get,  until  my  pockets  are  full  and  over-flow- 
ing. A  great  many  ask  me  if  they  are  good  for  man  and 
beast.  That's  a  beastly  question  to  ask.  Almost  any  married 
woman  will  tell  you  most  all  men  are  beasts.  But,  to  be 
serious,  it  is  good  alike  for  man  and  beast,  bird  and  fish,  not  to 
mention  lobsters. 

Suppose  you  have  a  horse  that's  worth  anywhere  from 
lOc  up  to  $2.00  and  want  to  fix  him  up  so  he  will  look  like  ready 

22 


money.  Just  take  a  handful  of  these  pills — so — and  let  them 
filter  slowly  down  through  this  cup — so.  Repeat  the  same 
here,  and  again  here,  and  a  touch  of  the  magic  wand  and  you 
have  three  pills  of  sufficient  size  to  end  the  sufferings  of  any 
old  nag  or  nagging  wife  that  you  may  have  on  hand. 


CUPS  AND  BALLS. 

(Patter  to  use  where  no  ladies  are  present.) 

For  instance,  I  see  quite  a  number  of  gentlemen  present, 
that- — judging  from  the  ruddy  complexion  of  their  nose,  they 
have  been  sitting  up  too  frequently  with  a  sick  friend,  or  per- 
chance they  have  joined  the  great  Temperance  Cause  and  are 
adding  their  aid  vigorously  in  putting  down  the  Demon  Rum, 
with  the  usual  bad  effect  of  acquiring  an  unusual  amount  of 
sunset  hue  on  their  proboscis. 

But  cheer  up,  my  Brother  Brass  Rail  Polishers  and  let  not 
anything  of  that  sort  deter  you  from  giving  your  parched  lips 
and  throat  plenty  of  "Quenchness,"  for  even  though  as  you  all 
sit  there  and  resemble  a  beautiful  garden  of  red  roses  in  full 
bloom,  yet  you  need  not  despair  and  lose  hope,  for  by  taking 
one  of  these  magic  pale  pills,  in  an  instant,  all  that  blush  of 
color  will  disappear  from  your  beak  and  once  more,  you  may 
mingle  and  associate  with  yc?  jr  friends  and  family  without 
fear  or  embarrassment. 


23 


A     000  074  435     9 


